No Time To Grief
My first friend in New York City.
After spending years in a long-distance relationship with my husband, I moved to New York City to live with him in late 2013. I made my first friend in Spring 2014. The first time I met her was in an English conversation practice session. That was also my first day meeting someone besides coworkers after I moved to New York City. I remembered she smiled at me, which put me at ease. I didn’t go back to the session again but registered for another short-term English as a Second Language class. I was surprised to see her again in the class, even though she was the only one I met before. We still didn’t talk to each other until I found out her husband worked in the same profession as mine. I thought maybe our husbands knew each other. That’s how I walked toward her and started a conversation. I had no idea this action would change my life forever.
She was a polite and lovely Turkish girl. Whenever you saw her, she was always smiling. She was expecting her first child in a couple of months. We never expected to become such close friends because we are so different. We met each other’s husband in a Turkish restaurant. We were all immigrants. We found out we all married our classmates from childhood. We all went through a difficult long-distance relationship before marriage. Her husband was a courteous and humble person. He kept calling our names, which made us feel that he cared for and respected us.
It is customary in my culture to go through your life without hugging our parents or friends in Taiwan. It was a big culture shock for me when someone tried to hug me after coming to the US. In Turkey, they greet each other by hugging, and kissing on the cheek, twice. It was hard for my new friends to imagine friends who don’t hug one another, but they respected it. However, when she had to go back to her country to give birth, she insisted on showing me how to hug. I didn’t know whether it was because we would be separated for a while or because of the hug, but it made my eyes filled with tears afterward.
We didn’t hang out too often, but we became friends in a short time.
Since we were both immigrants, when either of us had a chance to fly back to our country, it would take at least one month to see each other again. Due to my work, I flew to other cities and countries several times a year. It was difficult for us to meet each other often. Sometimes, bad weather, delayed trains, or busy work forced us to cancel our plans. Especially since they had a child to take care of, I didn’t want to bother them too much. But I still contacted and visited her whenever we were available. We got along very well. Every time we were together, we couldn’t believe how fast time flew by. We were talking and laughing all day and never felt bored. We forgot how lonely living in a foreign country was. Furthermore, I realized being with them was similar to being with my friends in Taiwan.
We shared our life in New York City, our countries, our cultures, and how much we missed our family and friends back home. We introduced our favorite tea to each other. I took them to my favorite Taiwanese bubble tea shop, which was their first time having milk with tea and sweet black sugar bubbles. They showed me how to make Turkish tea in a unique teapot, and they drank tea with sugar cubes. Turkish coffee could tell your fortune. We joked around and tried to guess your future from the strange pattern of leftover coffee.
I am her child’s first friend; his first word was “one” in Mandarin Chinese (sorry, my friend). He liked to play with me and say my name, thanks to his father, who taught him. My name is pronounced like rain in Turkish. Their Turkish friends wondered why the baby kept saying “raining” on a sunny day.
Eventually, we became family friends. We always talked about visiting Turkey or Taiwan together. They were the first family to visit our apartment. They came to celebrate Lunar New Year with me because they knew this was a big holiday in my country and I would miss my family a lot during this time. I shared with them that I hugged my grandma for the first time in my life when I went back to Taiwan last time. Her husband replied that they would hug my grandma when they visit Taiwan.
When we were in New York City, we missed our family and friends in our country. When we flew back, we only needed to miss one person, our husbands. But now, we will miss more people — our New York friends.
About one month to her child’s first birthday, I got an emergency call from my Mom that my Grandma had a stroke and damaged her brain. She was in an emergency room. I made a quick decision to fly back. I never expected to plan to have dinner with my friends before my flight. But we had an unspoken agreement that we would have a meal together before either one had to leave or return to the city. I was sad and worried about my Grandma at that time. They all understood and didn’t talk about anything sad. I had no idea it would be our last meal together.
Three weeks later, I returned to New York City to prepare for my following business trip. My Grandma was still in a coma. A week later, I got my New York friend’s text in the early morning. She told me she needed my help to babysit her child today. They just learned that her husband got cancer last night.
I was crushed.
I arrived at their place. My friend’s husband was preparing to go to the hospital. When he saw me, he said hi, and called my name. He thanked me for coming to take care of their child and smiled like usual. I was speechless. The only word I managed to utter from my mouth was, “No problem.” Then I watched him leaving their apartment for the hospital.
My friend thought they would fly back to get the treatment soon. She was packing and calling to her family on the other side of the world. I couldn’t follow their conversation in Turkish. I did my best to try to have fun with her child at the same time. It was as if I was in a parallel world. She waited until my husband finished his work. They went to the hospital together. I tried to put the baby to sleep by myself. That was the first time for both of us. Thankfully, the baby was sweet and gentle.
After we learned that her husband couldn’t take the plane in his situation, her husband’s best friend arrived in New York City the next day from the west coast, and we decided to bring their child to the hospital. It’s a tough decision; her husband worried that his child would cry from seeing him attached to long tubes. When we met in the hospital, the father smiled. He couldn’t hold his child because he had no strength. We were in the same room for only a few minutes because the patient was coughing next to us. My friend’s husband was afraid his child could get infected. I took the baby out of the room. We didn’t know that would be the last time he saw his son.
Their family arrived in New York City at night. After we brought the child back to their apartment, my husband and I left. We went to a restaurant nearby to get some food before heading home. I never cried in front of my friend. When I sat down at the table that the waiter led us to, my tears couldn’t stop and kept falling. That was my first time crying in a restaurant so badly.
My grandma passed away at 83. She stayed in intensive care for 68 days. Lots of her relatives and friends visited her for the last time. She was an awesome Grandma. In my memory, she was always optimistic. I never saw her got angry. You wouldn’t believe that she lived through her childhood in poverty. She had been making ends meet since she was 10. She was stingy to herself but generous to others. She was open-minded and treated everyone equally. Her children and grandchildren learned to work hard and cherish everything like her. The day she left us, she came to my dream. She woke up, smiled at us, and got out of bed by herself. It was as if she was telling us, “don’t worry.”
Just twenty days ago, my friend’s husband left us. I was hoping there would be a miracle. It was tough to understand, even though we were right there. He was 35.
Because of their religion, they had to bury my friend’s husband within three days. They decided to bring him back to Turkey. They bought the earliest flight tickets and left. There were Christmas songs and decorations everywhere when we said goodbye to each other at the airport. Other passengers were smiling at the airport. We tried not to cry. But I lost three friends all at the same time.
New York City became a sad city.
It reminded me of a sign I saw on the street, something like, “It is easy to visit New York City, but it is difficult to live here.”
I didn’t understand how the sun could still rise after the longest night? How could trains still run, and people walk on the street? Why didn’t time stop for us to mourn?
I started to close my heart for a long time. My poor English speaking became my best excuse. It was like wearing a mask in front of others. I stopped trying to get to know new people out of fear of losing them. I kept thinking, “The fewer friends I make, the less sorrow when they leave.” My best friend was worried and flew 20 hours from Taiwan to visit me. That was the best time I had in New York City for a long time.
I learned that life is limited. I decided to leave my comfort zone. I started journaling and learning programming, which I’ve always wanted to do for years but never pursued. I started taking more vacations. I reached out to my other friends in New York City. I think I will have more courage when they leave the city someday. My husband and I flew back to Taiwan for the first time together since we married. We spent time with our friends and family.
When we decided to live abroad with different cultural and language barriers, it was hard to find a close friend that you could be yourself around. I was fortunate to have met them. I couldn’t believe I could make such good friends who understood me so well in a different country.
After my friend’s husband left, their Turkish friends asked everyone to send letters to my friend’s child to share memories with his dad. When the child grows up, he could read these letters and learn what his father was like. I didn’t do it then. After all these years, I finally wrote something down. And maybe this article could be one of those letters for you, my friend.
